Confessions of a Teenage Heartthrob
by assonance-asphyxiation
Summary: REVAMPED. Edward Cullen's life is just so damn crazy that he's going to tell you all about it. AH, Canon pairings. Language.
1. Pussy Ass

a/n: This storyline is borrowed from Maaya-Neyha. I am rewriting it without typos (hopefully) and just upgrading it. It has a lot of language in it but of course, there are no lemons. Hope you enjoy this batshit crazy story and let me know what you think in a review. :)

**Chapter One.**

Coward. That describes me perfectly. This is the third year now, and yet I haven't done anything about it.

My name is Edward Cullen. I am seventeen years old and go to the shithole that is known as Los Angeles High School. Like I said, it's shit. As the captain of the varsity basketball team, you'd think my life is just peachy. Besides, who would complain when you had a smokin' chick like Tanya hanging off your arm as a girlfriend? Tall, busty and blonde; wasn't that what every guy wanted?

Not me. I'm not gay, but I just wasn't into slutty women like Tanya. Someone with a brain would be good, for a start. I am just -expected- to be with Tanya because she was head cheerleader and I, captain of a sports team. It really didn't work like that yet I was still going along with it like it was all just fan-fucking-tastic.

It's all really just a façade. I hate being the stuck up arrogant jerk and having to snicker at those who aren't jocks like me. I mean, I like everyone. One day, the nerds that I always glower at are going to be inventing the high-tech shit I will use. There won't be another iPad if I go bully the poor kid to suicide? I hate having to put up with my so called 'girlfriend' – I know she's a slut who is shallower than my mom's frying pan. But guess what? There's nothing I can do about it.

Hence, my cowardice. Or pussy ass.

Every freaking day, I walk down the corridor trying to be a decent guy getting to class on time. But _no _some douche always has to interrupt my walking with a high-five or a shove a cigarette at me in hopes of getting with my 'chill' crowd. What the fuck was a chill crowd anyway? Apparently I was _cool. _

Cool my ass.

And you know whose fault it is?

That Captain Bullshit asshole Mike Newton.

He said to me recently, "Listen, Ed, man. There's going to be this sick party tomorrow night. There is going to be so much ass there, you could call it a donkey farm!"

What the shithead was he talking about? I had no idea. I just knew that simile sucked more than his balls. Donkey farm? Dear God help me. But then again it was those bimbos' fault too. They always whined about respect and love but if you're going to walk around in barely-there clothes you can hardly speak.

"Yeah, yeah, text me the details." I said, half-assed.

Everytime he invited me to these stupid parties, I just wanted to smack his face silly but no, I just couldn't do it. Something about letting my hands touch his nasty face made me cringe. Pathetic. I really wanted to tell him to piss off with his dumb invitations. Fuck knows how I got roped into this shit.

Within this sea of popularity, I really only had two friends that I genuinely liked; Jasper Hale and Emmett McCarty. They were both on the basketball team and we'd known each other for a fair amount of time. Jasper was a calm guy with pretty boy blonde hair and Emmett was a big bloody brute with mischievous sapphire eyes. He was dating Jasper's sister (I don't know how that wasn't weird for them) Rosalie who was a statuesque blonde with killer legs.

So, I was walking towards my class when I got punched in the arm.

"Edward, my G, what's happening?" Mike's batshit crazy sidekick Tyler asked, all hard.

"Hmmn. Tyler." I said, tight-lipped.

"Oh man, check that smokin' meat on that." He looked pointedly at some poor girl's ass. Great, from donkeys, they were now steak.

"Oh yeah, it's lovely." I commented but I was actually thinking of McDonald's one dollar burger. You know, for one dollar, it was pretty damn good.

I didn't wait for Tyler's answer. Knowing it would be crude, I walked away swiftly to my computing class.

I always liked my computing class. None of the asshats I was ashamed to be associated with were in it. And the fact that typing was so much easier than writing was a plus. You could express your creative side. No boring essays or math equations; just Adobe programs and you going crazy.

I entered the classroom; everyone was sitting around the middle table, while Mr. Hussain, the computing teacher was talking to another student, so he didn't notice my late arrival. I took my seat beside Angela Weber. I've been in the same class as her since fifth grade. We used to talk quite a lot in middle school and then...I became a dick. It just was great.

Angela was a no nonsense personality and I felt that she didn't believe in all the arrogant crap she saw of me, which made me flash a smile towards her. She noticed and laughed while throwing me a knowing wink and turned back to her boyfriend, Ben Cheney. I was happy for them; at least they _liked _ each other, if not loved! Unlike myself who detested Tanya, right to the gut.

Mr. Hussain interrupted my little inner monologue.

"Sorry about the late start. Now, as every year, we are going to begin the guess-your-chat month! As you know, the computer will be automatically select your chat partner. You will need to get to know them and at the end of the month you will have to guess who your chat buddy is."

Oh for fuck's sake. This was so lame and shit...that I didn't even have a simile for comparison. Last year, I was graciously paired with Jessica Stanley, who strted tokin lyk dis nd pissd meh off. In fact, for the rest of the month instead of talking to her, I just caught up with my homework and sat on Facebook, because Jessica's intensions were just nasty. Like NC-17 nasty. Webcam stripping was not what I wanted to do.

So Mr. I Think I Come Up With Cool Activities For My Computing Class Hussain assigned our seats and I ended up opposite Katie Marshall who whooped with euphoria. It was disconcerting.

"OMG! I'm so excited; I can't wait until I find out who my partner is!" She sort of reminded me of Alice, my little pixie like twin sister, standing at 4'11; she had more energy than a nuclear reactor.

I sighed Alice and I, were not on the best of terms.

Ever since I went across to the asshole side, Alice had been hostile, giving me wild ultimatums, such as 'Your sista or ya mistas'. I suppose Tyler wasn't the only potential gangster around here. Lil' Ali. It could actually work.

I signed into my account and created a username for the chat room. After much deliberation, I settled for Forks. My hometown in Washington was a calm and resigned place characterised by the green forest surroundings and year round rain. I waited for a few minutes while the programme was picking out my chat buddy at random.

Meanwhile, I looked up at all the classes that had computing at the same time as me. There were three other classes. I clicked on each one and checked the list of names. Some were not in my grade, so I didn't know them; others were people who'd I'd never spoken to and to my delight very few were from the douche crowd. Hallelujah.

Your chat buddy : Juliet

I began the chat.

**Forks: Hello**

Juliet: Hello to you too. Did you know Forks is a place in Washington?

That threw me off. Definitely not Tanya, or Lauren, or Jessica. They're too dumb to know that.

**Forks: Yes, I happen to come from there.**

Juliet: Me too :)

**Forks: Aw man, Alice, is that you?**

Juliet: Nope, Alice is in gym.

What? How did he/she know that? And someone from Forks? That's a first.

**Forks: How do you know that? Are you stalking her?**

I asked with alarm. Was someone following my poor innocent sister? I'd fuck them up so bad...

Juliet: How do you know her and why are you so concerned? And I just looked up the timetables.

I couldn't tell him/her that Alice was my sister, it would give it away.

**Forks: I just know Alice, that's all. Yeah I did that too, haha.**

Juliet: Haha. Wait, are you a he/she?

They typed the question which I was going to ask.

**Forks: He, and you?**

Juliet: She. :)

Just as I was about to type, the bell rang, signalling the end of the class. Aw man, I was really getting into this awkward conversation.

**Forks: Oh, well, speak to you tomorrow, Juliet :p**

Juliet: I bet I'll see you today, without even knowing it! Bye. xox

I laughed, she was so true, and for once, I was excited to talk to her again. She could spell, and didn't start being creepy or annoying and knew that Forks wasn't just the plural form of the cutlery. The rest of the day passed by without any events. I was still an asswipe, though.

After school, I was attacked by Tanya, who was all for some intense spit-swapping. I pecked her quickly and backed away. I just wasn't into kissing her and I seriously didn't want her mono. No, really, she was carrying that shit no matter what she said.

"Eddiekins. You'll never guess what happened today." She crooned at me, grabbing my hand as we walked. Eddiekins, I just hated that stupid shitface name. My name was fucking _EDWARD. _

"What?" I asked. I knew it would be some trite garbage about some freshman wearing the same shirt as her. Because that was worthy of a G8 summit.

"I hurt my face today! Can you believe that? Someone tried to smack this baby here!" She pointed to her face and continued, "Bloody ball crashing into my face." I bit my lip from guffawing. Everyone knew Tanya was as good at volleyball as a disabled elephant. Whoever told Tanya to catch a serve was a genius.

"It was that bitch, Alice." She muttered, and I jerked upwards and spun around from my retreating position.

She could wave all the tacky fake nails she wanted, she could become a bus so everyone could ride her, but hell no was she saying shit about my family. Alice was my sister and no other female was as important as she was.

"Don't you fucking dare talk about my sister like that." I threatened, in a low menacing voice.

"Well tell her to stop throwing balls at my face!" She shouted.

"Why don't you try and catching it for once you dumbass!" I retorted, wondering where the sudden confidence came from. We stood there for a moment, jaws locked, ready to attack - verbally of course. My mom had taught me better than take a swing a women. Even ones like Tanya.

"Look, _Edward._" She sneered my name.

"If you can't support me and think going bloody macho on my ass is okay, then it's _over!_" She screeched. I grinned like the Cheshire cat. Maybe this was my ticket out of a looney relationship.

"Thank fuck! I'm finally free!" I yelled, feeling I was losing my marbles. Ah, who cared, I was free of Tanya. She stomped her foot and trotted away with a huge 'hmph'. Good riddens.

Considering my sister was mentioned three times today, I finally decided to go and tell her the good news myself. Hopefully she'd be happy and finally stop throwing a shit fit everytime we were in the same room.

I walked towards Alice's room and heard giggling. I suppose Alice's BFFs were around. All they did was giggle and knock their heads together. Meh, it's not like I cared - I didn't own a pair of ovaries. But sometimes I said shit that made me reconsider that fact...

Alice had some hair equipment up against Rosalie's blonde locks, a curler? Ah shit I didn't know. The cheerleader was turning red with the heat but Alice had her locked into a seat while she was yabbering on about something. On the side, sat Isabella. Or Bella. Or whatever. She was completely average but in a nice way. Long brown hair and brown doe eyes.

She caught sight of me and did a full appraisal, "Edward's standing like a pedo at the door."

Alice and Rosalie stopped to look at me, no scratch that, they glared at me. Why? Hell if I knew.

"Uh, I wanted to talk to you Alice, but … I'll do that later." I stuttered under their intimidating glare. I wasn't a pedo! Laughter erupted from everywhere. Well you know it was hard to be smooth when you had three chicks all boring holes into you. Jesus.

"Who are you and what have you done with the fly Edward we all know?" Bella asked.

"Easy there, tiger. Sometimes Mr. fly needs to take time off and actually have a word with his sister." I snapped and walked away.

After three hours of virtually doing nothing except having a very stupid conversation with Emmett (which didn't even count, because talking about bathroom tiles wasn't helping anyone) Alice's friends left.

"Aaaaaaaaalice!" I barreled into her. I think I was high, but I couldn't guarantee it.

"Um, okay Edward. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Look, I'm sorry about whatever made you pissed off at me but I'm trying." I said sincerely. I didn't want to be a douche and Alice should know that. She just stared at me like I had rubella.

"O…kay? What brought this on?" She asked, confused.

"I dumped Tanya." I announced, time to gloat and gloat some more. I felt like this was the biggest achievement I had gained since I was born. Which was kind of bloody sad.

Her face was like an 'O'...it was shocked.

"Finally!" Two happy voices came from the kitchen. My parents – Carlisle and Esme.

"Oh my God, mom and dad you seriously are not saying that." I said, cringing.

"We just wanted what was best for you, son. Frankly, Tanya reminded me of herpes." My father said matter-of-factly. I can't believe he even said that. His audacity...then again I did say she had mono.

Well I let my parents have that laugh.

"Calm down Edward, this is only the beginning of a new you." Alice warned.

Of course. I still had shit to do.


	2. Walking Into Cars

a/n: I hope someone is reading this. If you like it - or hate it - can you please tell me? Thanks.

**Chapter two**

I was walking down the ICT corridor once again. I realised I spent a lot of time there. Ah well, shit happens. Obviously, my peaceful walking was rudely interrupted by Tyler Crowley, _again. _Bitch never knew when to just shut up and walk the other way. Well, that was okay because today I was going to freak the shit out of him. He thinks he's the only gangster around here?

"Wass crackin' in ya crib, Ty-ty?" I clamped a hand on his shoulder grinning hugely. Yeah, you suck it up, _Ty-ty. _

He just looked at me like I'd grown another head. Hey, two of me would only make the world a better place, "Uhm, nuttin' much, Ed. Wass good wit you?"

I leaned near his face with a mencaing look in my eyes, "You ever talk to me again, and imma bust a cap in YO ass. You got dat?"

He gulped and looked at me, freaked out and frankly, a bit scared. He nodded his head slowly and to my extreme pleasure, he didn't come near me for the rest of the day.

Too bad I couldn't shit on Mike's face and avoid his stupid house party.

I was back in my fourth period computing class and things were going well. I'd finished my Biology presentation and all that shebang with English essays was also cleared out the way. Now I could just lean back and chill. And perhaps speak to Juliet. I wonder if her actual name was Juliet. I didn't know anyone called Juliet. Maybe she likes Romeo and Juliet. Like Shakespeare. Okay maybe I should get a grip on myself now.

Juliet: Heyya!

**Forks: Hi.**

**Forks: I'm guessing you like Shakespeare. Or is Juliet your actual name?**

Juliet: Yeah I like his work, Romeo and Juliet specifically. So no it's not my actual name. :p What about you?

Hmmn, could I trust her? Well there is no other way to find out. No pain no change.

**Forks: A bit of Shakespeare and even Jane Austen which was recommended to me by my sister ;) and the Bronte sisters aren't bad either.**

Juliet: Wow, I guess we share the same taste in books, what about music?

**Forks: Muse. I love Muse. Radiohead, Coldplay, Pendulum. But I listen to hip-hop as well. And classical, actually. **

Juliet: I'm into a bit of everything as well – hip-hop, RnB, jazz, soul, rock and Debussy :)

**Forks: Wow, do you know Claire De Lune?**

Juliet: One of my favourites!

**Forks: Mine too! And I thought I was the only person in this school who listened to classical. Damn.**

**Forks: Wait, you are a student, right?**

Juliet: No, I'm actually a sixty-year-old pedo who likes to strike up conversations with kids. It's a developed hobby.

Forks: You're so funny.

Juliet: :p

As always, the lesson ended too soon. I guess time flies when you're having a conversation with an actual person. Juliet seemed like a genuine person who seemed intelligent and witty. I only hoped she was actually a girl and not an overly sensitive sophomore boy with no friends.

I made my way to Gym, heading into the boys changing room but before I rounded into the lockers, I heard some guys talking loudly. Obviously, it was going to be Newton and Crowley.

"Jessica is _mine. _Any asshole who tries anything with her is gonna have his balls strung up on a line." Mike's ever so _threatening _voice echoed out. Hmmn, yeah Mike was going to castrate someone and I was Brad Pitt. Uh-huh.

"And Lauren is _mine! _" Tyler shouted out, just to be pissy. Everyone's faces looked a bit shocked. I don't think even if they were paid, that they'd go in a ten mile radius of Lauren and Jessica.

I listened a little bit more before walking in nonchalantly. They were marking out their territories for the winter dance was coming up. They might as well piss on the girls' legs.

"Calm the fuck down. There's ages to go!" I shouted, exasperated.

"Well not everyone's a chick magnet." Eric mumbled. Did I catch a hint of jealousy? Oh yeah, I think I did. So now the female population went from donkeys, to steak to baby chickens. Awesome. I tried to muffle my laughter but sometimes Mike and Tyler were just so stupid, it made me go a bit berserk. Jasper appeared by my side and looked at me worriedly.

"What's up? Are you okay?" I asked.

"Umm, I wanted to ask you a question." He hesitated, which was very unusual for him – since he was always so calm.

"Of course, go on." I gestured for him to proceed.

"May I ask your sister Alice to the dance?" He spoke in such a rush; it took me a second to gather it.

"You…like…my sister?" I choked out. Aww shit. Here I was, always happy that I didn't have to face the awkwardness that Jasper had to put up with Rosalie and Emmett. I guess karma always came round and bit you in the ass. Then again, Jasper was a decent man, and he was my best friend.

"Jasper. You suck. But you know, you should ask Alice that question. But if you ever hurt my sister, I know where you live. Okay?" I said carefully. Even though I had to admit Alice's crack high personality went well with mellow Jasper here.

"Thanks Ed, you rock!" Ed, why? Why did everyone insist on calling me that? Jasper didn't even notice my threat and just bounced with excitement.

"Dude, what is wrong with you? Calm down. And call me Ed again and our friendship is over." I glared. The happy blonde just shrugged and patted my shoulder. Asshole.

I hated Mike with a passion. It wasn't just intense dislike, it was hate multiplied by loathing. And I had no way of getting out of his party where the whole school would probably be cramped into an average sized house. So, because of the aversion I felt to attending Mike's party, I even came up with a plan for the night.

1. Arrive fashionably late (In the words of Alice Cullen.)

2. Have a drink, preferably Coke or Sprite. I don't want to get drunk and then raped.

3. Blow off one or two girls. (Probably Lauren and Jessica.)

4. Go home.

Now I was standing outside Mike's three bedroomed house. It reeked of pissy alcohol and teeming with drunk and horny people. Ah, great. Just what I liked at a gathering.

"Edward my man! Have you _seen _Jessica? Ah I just want to-" Mike slurred.

I cut him off, not wanting to know his intentions; it was going to be nasty. "Hey Mike have you seen Jasper or Emmett?"

"In the kitchen." He asnwered before toppling over his sofa like a fucking moron.

I pushed through the crowd towards the kitchen, which was a little less crowded and saw Jasper waving his hands around and laughing in harmony with someone else, with his back to me. The sound was similar to soprano and bass. I peered around to him with my sister! Douchebag.

I rudely interrupted their conversation, "What are you doing?" I spat at Jasper who looked defensive.

"Are you okay, did he doing anything to you?" I asked Alice frantically. They way he was sitting so close to her...it made me hurl.

She gave me a disapproving look, "You know Edward, sometimes as a brother you are a disappointment. Jasper has already saved me twice from those two scumbags over there and even gave them a black eye while you were standing around doing nothing!"

I flushed pink. Oops, my bad. Before I could get embarrassed any more, I left the room after mumbling my thanks to Jasper. I walked into the next room and caught Emmett and Rosalie in a very compromising position. My eyes, my virgin eyes! I gaped at them – they were at a party not in Emmett's room. What is this world coming to?

During my horror moment, a glass of vodka was pushed into my hands.

"I can give you some of that, Eddie." A nasal voice whispered. Lauren. Oops, she had got the wrong impression. I whimpered. I didn't want her to steal my virtue! Or what was left of it...She pushed the glass to my mouth, forcing the liquid rush down my throat while she dragged me to an area where random people were dancing.

"Eh, Lauren I think I'll pass, thanks. I don't want to dance." Of course, Lauren pretended to not have heard and started to dance. Quite dirty I must add. And the way she moved her hips, she had done it only a billion times before.

The room turned to a sudden haze and everything began to blur. The bimbo spiked my drink! Although I could say I enjoyed my self, it was a sick kind of pleasure with Lauren rubbing up against me. I struggled to keep a clear head, but with sheer determination (for me, at least) I managed to step out of her way. Just as she was leaning back to grope me, Lauren's drink went flying into her own hair and she flopped to the floor on her skinny ass. What a Kodak moment.

I burst out laughing and as soon as her blue eyes met mine, and her mouth releasing a bloodcurdling scream, I knew I had to run for my life. Due to my intoxication, I was waddling around like a fucking penguin towards my car, even though my sense of direction was negligible. I turned around to see a half wavy, half straight haired Lauren with a menacing expression stomping towards me.

I also caught a glimpse of Isabella or Bella doubled over in laughter. Hah. She could laugh at my expense. I made a mental note to get her back…if I ever survived. After one final yelp, I pounced on the sliver car, unsure if it was a Volvo or not.

I woke up with a feeling that two elephants had trampled over my head. I looked around, disorientated to find myself in my room, on my bed. The only problem was that I had no recollection of how I got there.

"How did I get here?" I asked out loud not really expecting an answer from thin air. It was such a cliche question but it kind of really applied to my situation right now.

From the left hand corner, a bush of black spiky hair popped up.

"Eddiepuss got stoned." Alice grinned like a fool.

"Oh yeah…what happened after that?" I mused.

Obviously the night had not gone according to plan, or else I would have known what the hell I was doing last night and would have come home sober. "You tried to escape Lauren but you were really drugged. You ran outside to your car and instead of getting in-" Alice paused to catch her breath because she was laughing so hysterically, "-you fell on the bonnet of your car! Bella had to drive you home, you were so out of it."

I groaned, "Aww shit. I made such an ass of myself, especially in front of Isabella. I bet the whole school knows about it. Not even mentioning Facebook." On the bright side, I didn't have to plan revenge on Isabella for laughing at me. She did help me, after all.

"Bella doesn't care. She's really nice. And she saved you from that hoe, Lauren Mallory!" Alice shouted.

"You can talk! Flirting with Jasper like that…" I gagged.

Alice got a dreamy look in her eye, "He's so sweet, I love him!" she gushed.

"That's it! Get out of my room. Now." I enunciated each word, but Alice just shrugged and pranced out of my room.

My life is so screwed up.


	3. Stalker Chick

a/n: I got my first review. That means somebody's reading this!

**Chapter Three**

The rest of the weekend passed smoothly. No running into cars or waking up with a fucking zoo on my head. There is only so much drama a guy can handle.

It was Monday again, and I was walking to my fourth period computing class. I looked around me several times to check if Mike or Tyler were going to jump my ass. Nobody was there. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Alright everyone, today we're taking a break from the chatting." Mr. Hussain announced.

I sulked; this meant I couldn't talk to Juliet, and more importantly, I would have to do work.

"I want you to do a Microsoft PowerPoint on anything you like, within reason. It must be finished by the end of the lesson and it needs slideshow features. On you go." He rattled.

I groaned, I hated doing these timed things and then displaying in front of the whole class. They paid too much attention to mine and I felt strangely self conscious. _Self conscious? Since when did I grow a vagina? _

After much thought, I decided to do mine on music, a clichéd subject but it was the best I could come up with in the span of thirty seconds. Most of my slides were on Muse and how they came to be a band. I added some of their contemporaries as well as a sound clip I stole off the internet. I even shoved some lyrics to their most famous song and went with it.

"Alright class, time's up, now who wants to go first?"

Of course, nobody volunteered. Suddenly, a boy with black hair and an oval shaped head shouted out, "Edward, go Edward!"

Are you shitting me? You toilet bowl. I was going to punch the daylights out of that kid once I finished. Grumpily, I got my USB out.

"Come on then, up you go Edward." Mr Hussain encouraged.

I grit my teeth in annoyance and sent out one long cold glare at said toilet bowl. I loaded the presentation and set it on auto play. I didn't take my eyes off the monitor the whole time. At the end, I heard a shriek and applause – all the girls in the class were smiling and waving at me. I cringed. As I was returning to my seat, a loud voice drowned out the rest.

"Sir, sir, can I go next?" Natasha, the short black haired girl who was hopelessly obsessed with me last year squealed. She used to stalk me every Saturday when I worked at the local grocery store. It was damn annoying. And creepy.

Mr. Hussain was visibly surprised by Natasha's volunteering but reluctantly agreed. "Okay Natasha, the floor is yours."

Around half a minute later, much to my dismay, there was a huge picture of me on the first slide.

I think I blushed five shades of pink, if a guy can even do that, and ducked my head into my arms. The series of slides had a whole collage of pictures of me that I didn't even know existed. Stalker. Throughout, the presentation, Natasha gave me hopeful looks and seemed to be immensely pleased with her doings. I cringed, _again_. Fuck my life. Some of the boys wolf-whistled at me, really impressed by my involuntary chick magnet. Ugh.

Sometimes I hated myself. All these girls were so dead set on me, and I felt awful about it, knowing that I couldn't give them the happiness they deserved - they just saw the pretty face on the outside. (Not that I was pretty… ) They didn't see who I really was. Nobody knew that I played the piano, or that I liked classical music or that I preferred brunettes. These girls fell in love with a lie. Awe man. now I was _sure _I had ovaries.

The last fifteen minutes of the lesson were free because Mr. Hussain decided to lecture Natasha on her choice of subject. I died with embarrassment as he spoke to her about teenage crushes. So I decided to log onto my chat account.

**Forks: Hey.**

Juliet: Hey, where were you? I thought you ditched me!

**Forks: Sorry, the teacher decided we do PowerPoint presentations to humiliate ourselves.**

Juliet: Oh. Well I hope you did okay. I know what it's like to be up at the front with everyone watching your every move.

**Forks: I couldn't agree with you more. So how have you been?**

Juliet: I've been…content, it's good to know that not everyone is perfect.

**Forks: Interesting, care to elaborate?**

Juliet: I'm sure you've noticed the social hierarchy in our school

**Forks: Yeah...**

Juliet: Well I had some insight into the 'popular crowd' and it's safe to say that it isn't all that great.

This meant that Juliet wasn't popular. Thank God. Besides, I finally realised that I didn't care what Juliet looked like or where she was on the popularity scale. But I _did _care if she turned out to be a boy. Then shit was going down.

**Forks: That's true; People just look and admire them for what they see. They have no idea what those people are really like. It's horrible.**

Juliet: Exactly, I'm glad that I'm not the only one with no popularity issues around here.

**Forks: Haha.**

Juliet: Haha? I didn't picture you for the kind who says haha.

**Forks: I bet you didn't picture me playing the piano either.**


	4. Dr Phil & His Wife

a/n: Got three reviews this time. Progress. :)

**Chapter three**

About a week and a half had passed since I told Juliet that I played the piano – very stupidly I must stay. I didn't want to tell her all these things and then when we met in real life, she'd laugh at me and run me into the ground. But, she didn't seemed fazed at all, in fact, she told me she played the guitar but she'd much rather learn how to play the piano. So I mentally agreed, that if we ever met in person, I would offer to teach her. And maybe have a duet. And perhaps ask for a kiss. Okay maybe she wouldn't want a kiss. But I wanted one. Unless she was a boy, then no.

We were drawing close to two main events; revealing our identities to our chat buddies (or guessing and then revealing) and the winter dance, and for some odd reason, I was feeling rather uncomfortable. Nearly every girl in the school had asked me, even Tanya. Girl had no shame, I tell you. And I had rejected every single one of them. Girls that I didn't even know of – or had ever seen – were coming up to me and batting their eyelashes. I just stood there like a retarded seal and stared at them. I'd gulp loudly and make an apologetic face, telling them no, sorry. Inside, I was actually wondering why the fuck they wanted to spend an awkward night with me. I'm not even fucking interesting.

I had a free period so I decided to go up to the library like a geek. But it was okay because nobody I hung out with had ever gone there. Mike once said the library was too _booky. _Yes, because booky was a word in the dictionary. Dumbass.

Naturally, I gravitated towards the computers. However, luck was not on my side, and Juliet was not online this time. I sighed and went to the classics section and picked out _Wuthering Heights _– a book Juliet had recommended, but I had never actually thought anything of it. Then I imagined myself in third person and thought what a fucking Gaylord I must have looked like. I wasn't against gays or anything but I did not want to give out that vibe. I muttered 'fuck it' to myself and began reading the book. You never know, it might come in handy when I'm fifty and on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Around twenty minutes later, something flashing on the computer screen caught my eye. Score, Juliet was on! God I sounded so desperate. I really needed to get a grip on myself.

Juliet: Hey

Juliet: Hello…anyone there?

**Forks: Oh hey! Sorry I was a little absorbed.**

Juliet: Absorbed eh? -_Raises eyebrows-_

**Forks: In a book!**

Juliet: Oh, fine. What class are you in? Not in computing, for sure? :p

**Forks: I'm in a free in the library, what about you?**

Juliet: Well, I'm supposed to be researching Brownian motion, but I'm talking to you.

**Forks: Random movement of particles at random speeds and times. Physics?**

Juliet: Geeeeeeeek!

Juliet: Tell me about your life. I know random question but it fits in with my physics project! ;)

**Forks: You need to revise your sense of humour. What do you want to know?**

Juliet: Family

**Forks: I have one sister, a mom and a dad. I love them to bits even though they can be soo weird**.

Juliet: But you love them really.

**Forks: Absolutely, what about your family?**

Juliet: I live with my parents who are a little eccentric, but very loving all the same. I'm an only child, and sometimes it sucks but most of the time it's actually not that bad.

**Forks: Describe yourself in three words.**

Juliet: Weird, dense and funny. You?

Forks: Haha you think you're funny! Umm…let's see…mature, strange and sexy!

Juliet: Sexy? We'll see about that.

Hell yes you will. One look at this sexy face and Juliet will be a goner. Or well I hope so.

**Forks: Do you go back to Forks often?**

Juliet: Not much, I do have family there, but I go back to Phoenix too since my mom's family is there. Do you miss Forks?

**Forks: No, not really, since I live with my family, but I go to Chicago too because my dad's side lives there. So are you tanned then?**

Juliet: a) even if I wasn't from Phoenix, I would be, as we live in L.A. b) no, I'm part albino.

**Forks: Good point. Now that will make you easier to spot. I'm pale too, like alabaster, apparently. ;)**

Oh you fucking _gay! _I thought to myself. Alabaster? For real?

Juliet: WHAT? I'm the only pale person around here! Oh you…BYE.

_Juliet has signed off._

So now she was angry at me, but probably only mock irritation. A teacher probably came by so she shut it off quickly. I think. It was a little funny; in fact, I could just imagine her stamping her foot wherever she was.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was at basketball practice with Emmett and Jasper. Strangely, I missed every single basket.

"Jasper, Eddie's finally lost it!" Emmett roared.

I scowled at him.

Jasper came and sat beside me. His calm and serene profile made him a very good listener. He didn't need to fill silence with words and I was grateful of that, but I had had enough and I vented out my pent up frustration.

"I haven't found a single decent girl to take to the dance! Not that it matters anyway." Emmett snickered but I looked up and flipped him the bird.

"Dude, what is wrong with you? You can get the ladies eating out of your hand." Jazz asked.

"I don't know!" I whined

"Liar! How can you worry about something you don't even know of, retard!" Emmett retorted.

It all came out in a rush, "I think I like my chat buddy."

Emmett blinked and burst out laughing while Jasper flashed me a knowing smile. At least one of the douchebags was taking it well.

"See, I should have never told you!" I cried.

Emmett took no notice of me and continued with his boisterous laughter but Jasper was more...sympathetic.

"Who is he/she?" He prodded

"_She_ is really sweet, understanding and we share the same tastes in music, books and this fucked up school." After so many conversations with her, I felt like I knew her since I was a kid. And Jasper's little he/she jab wasn't gone unnoticed by me. Even he thought I was gay. Bitch.

"So she really clicks with you. Why don't you ask her to the dance?" Jasper suggested.

I grimaced, "What if she's completely different, and she's just pretending? What if she doesn't like me? Oh my God what if she's actually a boy?" My voice reached a really high note. I didn't even know I could go that high. Shit.

"Dude, calm down! Just see who she really is and then take it from there. Do what your heart says!" Emmett swirled around and said the last sentence in a high pitched voice.

"Whoa…you're like the male version of Alice!" Jasper spoke as if Alice was some kind of God.

Emmett and I snickered.

"Okay people back to my wallowing. How do I make sure she likes me when we meet?" I asked

"Jesus, Edward. We're not fucking Dr. Phil and his wife. Go ask somebody else."

So helpful.


	5. Paedophilic Cope

a/n: People are favourite-ing the story. That's good. Now leave a review? :)

**Chapter Five **

I sat through calculus and prayed to God that I somehow survive the class and get out alive. Mr. Varner was not one of the most amusing people on the planet. In fact, he should be sitting in a rocking chair in an old people's home, locked up, away from society, but no, he chose to torture our poor souls and with his dreary voice and intense lack of creativity. And the fact that I sat alone, at the front of the class did not help either.

The sound of someone clearing their voice on the Tannoy interrupted my reverie.

"Edward Cullen, please make your way to the front office."

My head jerked up and my eyes widened. I wasn't exactly a model student but, I was never called up like that. I didn't think I had done anything wrong in at least two weeks…

I gingerly rose from my seat and threw my books into my backpack and trudged out of the room, earning a questioning look from every person, student and teacher alike. The hell were they looking at? Maybe if they took a picture it was last longer. I walked to the reception, dazed and disconcerted as to why I was wanted.

"Hi, I was asked to come here." I spoke softly to Miss Cope, a middle aged woman with ginger hair and creepy red nails. She always flushed whenever I was around, flustering over little things. Alice said she liked me, but that would just be wrong. Like pedo-fucking-wrong. But in any case, she always did what I asked her. Kiss-ass.

She swallowed loudly and gave me a strange smile which was rather distorted and went into the back room. "I'll be right back."

Miss Cope returned and gave me a small slip of paper. It read: _Please write down who you think is your chat buddy. _Oh. I shrugged to myself while Cope was watching me like a pedo. I shuddered lightly, but I knew she could do me no harm. I really couldn't put a name to who could be Juliet. I really had no fucking clue. Finally, I shrugged again and put down Katie Marshall, just for the sake of it. I knew it wasn't her. I _hoped _it wasn't her.

I leant against the desk and waited for Miss Cope to return since she'd left again and failed to reappear, but that was all good for me; calculus was a bitch. Beside me, the door flew open and Isabella stumbled in. I steadied her by the elbow out of a compulsive reaction. She looked up at me and blushed scarlet – I suppose I'm not the only person who did that. We could be blush buddies. Oh shit, what the hell is wrong with me? Blush buddies? For God's sake.

"Thanks." she mumbled.

"No, thank _you._" I countered.

She raised an eyebrow, "What for?"

"For saving me from Lauren." I sneered the fish-eyed evil's name.

"Oh! It's alright, like they say 'a friend in need is a friend in deed.' " She smiled brightly.

We stood there in an awkward silence for a few seconds and then she looked at the letter in her hand.

"Oh my God, I am so stupid!" she mumbled and then profusely blushed.

Isabella wasn't ugly; she wasn't drop dead gorgeous like Rosalie or Tanya even, but she was beautiful in her own natural way. She had chocolate brown eyes and long mahogany hair cascading down her back, with pale creamy skin. She wore a blue shirt and dark fitted jeans and it was then that I noticed that Bella Swan was beautiful.

"Why?" I asked

"This letter is for _me_ not for Miss Cope!" She face-palmed herself.

"Well, why don't you open it?" I suggested, finding her dumbness just a little cute.

"Yeah, I should probably do that." She answered. She blushed some more and something weird happened in my stomach. No, no it couldn't be – I was growing a vagina.

She attacked the envelope from all sides, causing the remnants to fly everywhere. Her eagerness was refreshing - as if she didn't care that I was standing there.

My mind went back to Miss Cope, where the hell did she run off to? She left me randomly standing here, but hey, like I said, I was missing calculus.

"Edward Cullen is your chat buddy. Guess my guess was wrong." She read out loud.

"Holy shit! You're Juliet?" I asked, shocked.

"_You're_ Forks?"

I nodded, causing her to smile widely, in fact, so wide I thought her mouth might just rip – I couldn't help but grin back myself. She was a girl and she was normal! She was Isabella! Hell to the yeah.

Then, she let out a loud round of laughter.

I realised she was laughing at _me._I suppose it would have been kind of funny, realising the captain of the varsity basketball team read classics. Damn it, I knew these things never worked out, it was just a ploy to mess up people's brains. Fucking Mr. Hussain.

I turned towards the door, feeling rather disappointed and hurt and walked out, when I was pulled back with quite a force.

"Isabella, let go." I said coldly.

"Listen, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to laugh _at _you; I was just happy and laughing at the situation and please, call me Bella."

Bella, that suited her, more than Isabella. I wasn't sure I trusted her just yet. I had told her so many things in the past month and now I felt like my life hung on a thread, all at Bella's beck and call.

"Edward, seriously. You can trust me. Everything we spoke about remains between you and I. Promise." She said.

I nodded and then walked away. I just wanted to be alone for some time. After driving recklessly through L.A, I got home and went straight to my room. Esmé gave me a strange look but she knew not to push things further. I just wanted to close my eyes and let some calm music surround me.

What the fuck was happening to me?


	6. Unhygienic Cheek

a/n: Sorry about the gap. I had it written up but I got really into watching the inbetweeners. Leave a review? :)

**Chapter Six**

I woke up with a stiff neck and arms, since I had fallen asleep on my sofa. I peered at my wall clock to find it was seven thirty am – I had slept for almost fourteen hours. I have issues. I threw on a pair of jeans and a blue band t-shirt for school and headed down to my Volvo, where my pixie sister was standing, looking rather worried.

"Are you feeling better? Esmé said you looked pretty bad yesterday." She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine now, thanks." I mumbled.

"She told me what happened." Alice whispered.

"I'm sure you had a good laugh about it." I snapped back, wondering how Bella must have been laughing her ass off at all the stuff we talked about. They probably laughed about how I was such a pissy and walked away from her like a girl. Ugh.

"Actually, Bella had a good cry about it." Alice countered with a tinge of defiance.

The fact that Bella cried, suddenly made me feel guilty. And why would she cry? Did I make her do that? Of course I did; God, I'm such a fucking douchebag.

"What? Why?" I asked, sort-of sadly.

"She couldn't believe you thought so little of her. She's a good person and you just walked away as if she were Lauren or Tanya." Alice explained in a sombre voice.

Aww shit. I never meant it to be like that. I just...I just...fuck I didn't know what I felt. These weird feelings in me were...weird. I'd never felt warm and fuzzy when I spoke to anyone. I spent most of high-school insulting people and giving everyone the stink eye. I didn't think I could actually _like _anyone apart from my sister, the Hales and Emmett. I was such a dickface for _real. _

I thanked Alice for letting me know and ruffled her hair in appreciation.

I walked to Spanish, the one class I shared with Jasper. Once the lesson had started, I had paper flicked onto my desk.

_I heard from Alice, so how did you and Bella go?_

**Not well, I kind of walked out on her**

_Man, you're such a pussy. Why?_

**She started it by laughing!**

_You're both stupid. I bet she didn't even mean it in a nasty way. But you're a sensitive pussy ass. You go good together._

I shook my head at him in disapproval and tucked the note into my pencil case. Calling me pussy ass! Then again...Jasper was kind of right, as much as I hated to admit.

Soon, the bell rang and Jasper and I walked towards our next classes.

"By the way, I'm going on a date with Alice." He said casually.

I opened my mouth to speak but Jasper silenced me.

"Emmett already gave me the talk. I think he's a better brother than you." He said

I opened my mouth to contradict, but Jasper silenced me yet _again._

"Shut the fuck up, Edward." He said and walked away after flashing me a virtuous smile.

"Asshole!" I shouted but he chose to ignore me.

It was second period, so once again, I had a free period. I decided to go to the library again. Last time nobody saw me, so it should be okay this time too. I hope. I logged onto my account, partially out of habit, and partially just for the sake of it. I mean the whole buddy thing was over now but I couldn't help but think I'd get closer to Bella this way.

Bella was online.

Jasper and Alice's words kept coming back to me. She spent the night crying over me. And we go good together. _We looked good together. _I couldn't help but grin to myself. I might as well admit that I liked, _liked _Bella. Nothing beats some acceptance. And I never wanted Bella to cry over me. Ever.

**Forks: Hey Bella.**

There was a lengthy pause. I thought she wouldn't reply so I leaned back and cussed out the school's internet system. It was pathetic. But five minutes later, a flashing box popped out in front of me.

Juliet: Hi Edward.

**Forks: Listen, I am really sorry. I didn't listen to you and just walked out on you. It was so rude of me...I was just so surprised. **

-Juliet has signed out-

Great, now Bella didn't want to have to do anything with me. I suppose I deserved it, like they say, 'what goes around, comes around' and I didn't even get to finish my apology. Karma's a bitch. I leaned back in my chair, whilst tugging at my hair in frustration. I squeezed my eyes shut to eliminate all my problems. In truth, I was thrilled that Bella turned out to be Juliet – she was the perfect person and everything about her fit flawlessly into the personality I had met online. I was shocked, but in a pleasing way. I was so glad it didn't turn out to be Tanya or Lauren. I just hoped Bella would come round. I already missed her. _Just like you missed the departing of your balls, Cullen. _

Two soft hands pried my fingers loose from my hair.

My eyes flew open and into two deep brown, chocolate eyes.

"Apology accepted."

Bella's glorious face was just inches away from mine. My breath hitched in my chest and it took me a second to compose myself. Her breath fanned all over me, smelling of mint and sweetness. Shit, Bella just made me _flustered. _What is this girl doing to me?

"Thank you, Bella." I smiled sincerely and jumped up to give her a hug. Her petite frame wrapped itself around my torso. I could feel the heat of her body seeping into me, and her soft body so close to mine. I came to the conclusion that Bella hugs needed to happen more often and for a longer duration.

The rest of the day went by extremely well, and I was even beginning to consider asking Bella to the winter dance, that was until after school.

"I'll see you later, Jake." Bella called to Jacob Black, co-captain of the basketball team. His huge muscled frame and tanned skin made him pretty attractive to the girls. But, I had heard from Alice that girls only went to him to make me jealous. I sniggered. Douche would always be second best.

So Bella probably liked him, like _actually_ liked him, like legit. She was smiling at him. She totally was. I could feel the green eyed monster of jealousy coming out in me. How ironic, I did have _green_ eyes.

As soon as Jacob left, Mike popped out of nowhere, and what he did next, surprised me, no scratch that, it infuriated me. Asshole.

He put his arm around Bella and started whispering into her ear.

"No Mike, I will _not_ go to the dance with you!" Bella shouted. Wait, so what happened to Jessica? I thought if we went near her, he would be doing some ball stringing (shortened to BS but can also be construed as bullshitting.)

I grinned, _yeah Mike, you feel that rejection, you piece of shit. _

"No! I do not have a date! Now get the hell off me!"

Mike being Mike chose to ignore Bella's requests, even though they were not very polite, so I decided to be a gentleman and intervene. Nobody was going to invade her personal space unless she wanted them to (or alternatively, if they were part of the Edward-Bella Hugging Society – i.e. me.)

However, Bella beat me to the punch, quite literally the _punch_.

She smacked Mike squarely right in the jaw! I have a newfound appreciation for Bella.

I walked forward and 'accidentally' tripped Mike. Oops, my bad bitch. I put my arm around her shoulder and whispered, "Nice one. I'm impressed."

She paused and her cheeks turned crimson. "Thanks." she mumbled.

I walked her to her car; it was a black Audi coupe – it was sleek and hot, just like her. Did I just call her hot? Oh my God, yes I did. I was losing it. But then again Bella was hot – you couldn't deny it.

"Nice car, it suites you." I commented.

"Thanks, my dad – Charlie got me it for my birthday last year." Bella stroked the bonnet affectionately.

"You're well bonded with your car; you must get on great with Rosalie." She laughed and it sounded like music.

"_She's_ the one who got me into these things. I would have never known that there were twelve versions of this model!" She shook her head. I couldn't help but laugh, it was contagious.

Bella leaned up and kissed me on the cheek, lingering slightly. She backed down and got in her car, driving away speedily. I touched my cheek and decided I was never going to wash my cheek again.

Well, for the rest of the day, at least.

Maybe.


	7. Excreting From Testicles

a/n: I saw some favouriting going on, but only one review. Can you find inside your heart to give me another one? Also, kudos to whoever spots the Inbetweeners quote. :)

**Chapter seven **

It was now Tuesday, and I still hadn't asked anyone to the winter dance. I sat at my usual lunch table and for some odd reason, everyone was staring at me and sneaking glances. I inconspicuously checked myself over just in case I forgot something vital, such as jeans. Nope, I was still fully clothed. Sorry, girls.

My moment of self consciousness ended once I caught sight of Emmett's big head. They moved to a different table and ditched me. Assholes. I guess I did look a bit stupid sitting at the table by myself, doing nothing, you know. I grabbed my lunch bag and rucksack and crept up behind him. Jasper saw me, so I signalled to him to stay quiet. Fortunately, he effortlessly kept up his pointless conversation with Emmett.

I literally pounced on the poor guy by jabbing my fingers into his brawny shoulders and yelled, "Emmett!"

"AARGHH!" Emmett roared and he reflexively flung his arms out, thwacking a random freshman in the stomach who looked like he would start crying or double over and sink to the ground in tears any moment now. Welcome to the good life.

Of course, Emmett McCarty did not stop there; he jumped up and turned around to see who scared the daylights out of him. He misjudged the distance between him and I so as he got up, he slammed his big head under my chin, which in turn caused me to bite my tongue.

"OOOWW!" I yelped (like a fucking cat, I must say), gaining even more attention than before. The pain was surprisingly very intense; in fact it should be used as a self defence tactic. No seriously, it should because tears were threatening to spill, (obviously they didn't…that wouldn't be very masculine.) I quickly tore half of my turkey sandwich and shoved it into my mouth. Better.

"Holy crap Edward! You scared the shit out of my balls!" Emmett exclaimed, while Jasper, unaffected was recovering from his fit of…giggles.

"You _shit _from your _balls_?" I asked incredulously.

"You get what I mean." He clarified.

"That you excrete from your testicles rather than your anus, unlike everyone else." I deadpanned.

"DUDE, I DO NOT SHIT FROM MY BALLS!" Emmett shouted incredibly loudly. Everyone looked up from their lunch to stare at Emmett with scared faces. Yeah, I'd be kind of freaked, too.

We roared with laughter, and Jasper looked like he would piss himself. Literally.

I quickly sat down and asked the necessary question.

"Why is everyone looking at me? Before what just happened." I whisper –yelled.

Jasper and Emmett both had smug looks.

"Your BFF _Mike _said you were dating Bella, and that you beat him up because you were scared of competition. And we moved tables so there would be enough room for all of us, dickwad." Emmett replied.

"WHAT? No!" I shouted and then spoke quietly.

"He was pissing Bella off, so _she _punched him in the jaw, and I tripped him up. That's it."

Jasper spoke this time, "Bitch please! We saw you at her car looking all mushy mushy."

Crap, they saw.

"Sorry?" I asked sheepishly.

They just laughed it off, "Sneaky Eddiepuss."

Just then, Alice, Rosalie and Bella walked in and sat on the table, but not before giving Em and Jazz a kiss on the lips. I guess Alice's date went well.

"Not in front of your brother, Alice!" I groaned.

"Oh, grow a pair!" Alice retorted. My jaw dropped – my sister was telling me to grow a pair of _balls_. What has the world come to? My balls were there and fully intact.

"Ouch, that must have hurt." Bella patted my shoulder in mock comfort.

I covered her mouth as she began to speak, not wanting to know what she had to say, but once again the whole cafeteria turned around to look at us. We were just messing about for fuck's sake. I dropped my hand guiltily and began picking at the remains of my turkey sandwich with a semi-pout.

The next thing I see is Bella standing on a chair yelling.

"What are you looking at? A guy having fun with his friends, big fucking whoop! He doesn't _want_ your attention so just mind your own fucking business! And you-" she pointed blatantly at Mike "-nobody likes you so go jump off a cliff, dickcheese."

And with that, she sat back down giving me a dazzling smile.

I think I died and went to heaven right there.

"Um, wow. Thank you. Bella, that was amazing. Feisty one, you are." I whispered into her ears, causing her cheeks to burn. She had more balls than me! Not that I would ever admit that…

She did that for me, for _me._ I knew what I had to do.

"Go Bella!" The others yelled in unison. The bell rang and they got up and left.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Will you go to the dance with me this Friday?" I asked nervously.

She hesitated, and I thought I was going to shit my pants, "Yes, I'd love to."

Hell to the fucking yes. Score!

Friday morning, and I sat in Spanish, constantly fidgeting with my sleeves and my pencil. I could feel Jasper's gaze penetrating into the side of my head. He looked like he would kill me. I turned my head and mouthed 'sorry' to him. Apparently, that didn't help. While Senorita Stokes was droning about _Uno, Dos, Tres_ blah, blah, my phone vibrated.

I started tugging at my sleeve again.

_THUMP!_

An _Ed Hardy _pencil case landed on my desk. I turned around to see Jasper with positively the most menacing expression on his face. He was holding up a piece of paper which said:

"If you don't leave those bloody sleeves alone and don't stop tapping that fucking pencil, I swear I'll rip your skinny little fingers off!"

Ouch, I must have hit a nerve. I decided to take his advice, and instead checked the message on my phone.

I gasped.


	8. Edward & PMS

a/n: I got one review. That is honestly just a little tragic. :( Also, nobody found the quote! (I'm guessing most of you are from the US.)

**Chapter eight **

_Edward, I'm so sorry, I can't go to the dance with you tonight. Love, Bella_.

I felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me. I nearly choked – on nothing! Shoving my phone into my pocket, I let my head fall forlornly on my desk. Fuck my life. Fuck this. Screw everyone. Why did Bella have to string me along like that? Wasn't baring my fucking soul on web chat enough for this chick?

I did not move until the end of the lesson. How could she just _back _out like that? Did she have no feelings for my weak heart? I suppose Bella had more of an effect on me than I thought. This meant that I really did _like _her. Of course, it would be one of those one-sided unrequited loves, in which the guy waits for the girl his whole life, only to see her die in the arms on of another man. Okay, so maybe I was getting a little sidetracked. What if she really did have a problem? Like vaginal infection she was too embarrassed to talk about?

I can't believe I just thought of that. Gross.

I walked to the cafeteria in a daze, an _actual_ one because I walked into at least four people in the short span of three metres.

So this is what rejection was like; feeling inadequate and plain useless. And to think I caused this feeling to more than half of the people in my school.

"Where's Bellie Wellie?" Emmett asked.

"Absent, but I wonder why…" Rose mused.

"By the way guys, I'm not going to the dance tonight." I announced.

"Why, didn't you ask anyone?" Emmett questioned.

"I did, but she wasn't available." I replied, feeling a bit shitty.

"Well who was it?" He persisted.

"Hey Emmett, want my muffin? Chocolate chip!" Alice interrupted. I shot her a grateful look. Who knew little sisters could come in handy? Emmett's attention was immediately diverted and solely on the big fat muffin.

I didn't want to tell Jasper and Emmett, who I had asked to the dance, to make it a surprise. But knowing them, it would not be. But I was glad all the same, because now I didn't have to tell them I'd been turned down. I'd never hear the end of it.

"Are you _sure _you don't want to go?" Alice asked for quite possibly the millionth time this evening.

She was frantically running around in a black flowing dress and dangerously high heels, looking for her _matching _purse. '_Chanel_ 2010 winter collection' she had insisted.

I mean what about the other five hundred bags in her closet?

"Yes, Alice. I'm sure." I sighed.

I caught sight of two black purses on her sofa and picked them up to give them to Alice.

"Here, Alice, your _purses."_I emphasized the plural.

"What? Edward, these aren't clutch! They are not even designer! And they do not match, are you blind or something?" Alice yelled, her face going an odd hybrid of purple and magenta. We all knew Alice was really into the whole fashion scene, but she was never this…_bitchy._

Oh my God, she's having PMS. I always saw movies (okay maybe not always and it was only because of Tanya) in which the girls were getting all stressed and pissy and the guys making fun of them, but who knew they would be so scary? If I said one wrong word, I would end up with no manhood! Female dynamics, I tell you.

An ear splitting scream filled the room; Alice.

"I found it!" She squealed. I grimaced; it looked exactly like the other one! Maybe Alice had a third eye which could see things normal people could not see. It could actually be possible.

"See, this one is _Chanel_, with the two C's, but that one is a G so it's Gucci. And besides, _that _one is evening wear, and _this _one is winter. It's more chic, Edward." Alice continued.

"Its winter and evening, so you need both. And why do I need to know this?" I asked, but really just wanting Alice to go away already.

"Shut up, yeah? And because you want to be a fashion guru like myself." She winked.

"No I don't really." I argued.

"I think you'll find that you do." Alice shot back.

"No, I DON'T!" I yelled.

"Jesus, keep a hold on your PMS lady!" Alice grumbled and I actually felt like my vagina had fully developed now.

Our childish argument ended with the door bell ringing. Jasper.

I went downstairs to see Alice off. Although she was emotionally unstable today, I still had to be a good brother...or sister. Oh fuck I should seriously shut up and go back to being a hot guy instead of this crappy moody man-chick.

Jasper was dressed in black slacks and a black button down shirt. No doubt Alice's dirty work, saying things like 'Couples should wear complimenting attire.' Bleh, although I had to admit, they looked good.

Behind him, was a blue Mercedes.

"Really putting in an effort eh Jazz?" I looked pointedly at the car.

"You have a fucking _Vanquish _for this kind of shit, and I borrow my dad's car and you get your panties in a thong?" Jasper retaliated.

"I wear boxers." I notified him.

"Not the point, Cullen."

"We're going to be late Jazz!" Alice screeched from the hallway.

I mouthed 'she's PMS-ing' to Jasper, so he would be warned.

Unfortunately, Alice caught my words.

_THWACK!_

That would be a bruise on my torso tomorrow, annoying pixie. I ruffled her hair, just to piss her off, but she just stuck her tongue out at me. Maybe she was getting better.

"Come on Alice, honey. Even though he's a bit of a douche, I'd like him to live." Jasper lead Alice away.

I grinned at him in approval and walked back in, my head filled with thoughts on how agonizingly crap tonight would be.


	9. MTV & Indian Dramas

a/n: I got some reviews. Only three, but thank you to those three. :) Also, this chapter is a mini because yeah, it just is. Please put me on alert and review, thanks!

**Chapter nine**

For the past four hours, I had been compulsively checking my phone for anything new. So far, I had twenty three missed calls from Bella. I hadn't returned any of them. What was I supposed to say? 'Hey Bella it's okay you can go with Jacob if you want. I'm totally comfortable with that even though I have a massive crush on you?' That would go down _so _well.

For around forty five minutes, I had been pacing around restlessly, every so often flipping channels and catching girls bitch-fighting on _MTV_ or dramatic close ups of shocked women in Indian sitcom dramas. I didn't even know how we got those channels. I'm sure Esme hadn't signed up for any culture pack...or had she?

It was seven forty five pm and I had had enough. I don't know why I did it, but I jumped into my car and raced to the school hall, where the dance was taking place. I parked a street away so none of the girls could find out I was here; my car was apparently _signature me._ Blah. Gay. I was being so masochistic. And stalkerish. Particularly stalkerish.

I sneaked in from the side of the gym hall and saw everyone ballroom dancing. Emmett and Rose positively astounded me with their dancing; it was so…graceful. Emmett was meant to be dumb and uncoordinated and Rose should be scowling and being pessimistic. But they looked so happy and content. Shit, I should shut up. I craned my neck and caught Jacob with a huge grin on his face; he was twirling a petite figure in his arms.

It was a girl with thick black hair with olive coloured skin. Not Bella.

I felt like jumping in the air. Although that wouldn't have been helpful, but still. It was such a relief to see that Bella wasn't gallivanting with...Jacob. Man, I was a dick.

I ran back to my car before anyone saw me – alone. Instinctively, I was driving towards the A7 highway, near Bella's house. I couldn't believe I still knew where she lived; the last time I went to her house was in tenth grade to drop Alice off. God, I have some serious issues at hand. I drove the car so slowly in front of her house, I might as well have fucking switched the ignition off and parked in the middle of the road. At least I'd save some petrol. Now I knew what Natasha felt like. In fact, I would even wave to her in Wal-Mart on Saturday.

Suddenly the Swan door flew open to reveal a very pissed and heavily clad Bella.

"Shit." I muttered. She saw me. Fuck, she saw me!

"_So_ you don't answer _any _of my calls and now you sit in front of _my_ house. Are you waiting for the sun?" She stated incredulously, in a hoarse and nasal voice.

Understanding washed over me.

"You're _sick?_"

"Nah! Ignore the shitloads of snot running down my nose, its normal!" Sarcasm was thick in her tone.

I quickly got out and tugged her towards her house before she got pneumonia or some other long worded illness.

"Look, I'm really sorry, I jumped to conclusions." I admitted.

"How can you jump to conclusions, I texted you that I was sick!" She croaked out.

I checked to see if anyone was around, apparently not.

"No you didn't," I countered. "Where are you parents, don't they know you're sick?"

"They went out for dinner, they know."

"And left you like this?" I asked sceptically.

"I forced them to go; I hate it when I ruin things for other people." She shrugged it off. Bella was so selfless; it surprised me that I had never really noticed that part of her before. I was too busy checking her ass out.

"And here…the text stating _clearly_ I was sick!" She passed me her phone which was in the sent-box bit.

"Read it again – _carefully - _it says nothing about being sick!" I said, smugly.

She re-read it and a red blush tainted her cheeks.

"Oops, my bad." She smiled sheepishly.

"So I've been this fucking emo bitch for the past five hours and all you can say is '_oops, my bad_'" I asked with inflection.

She pouted and pulled the cutest expression known to mankind, okay so maybe not _that _cute, but it was pretty damn cute nonetheless.

"I seek forgiveness, will thee grant me it?" Bella asked. Okay, so I wasn't expecting her to go all nineteenth century noblewoman on me, but since when did Bella do anything expected?

My mind and my body have two different brains; so the next thing I remembered was me leaning down and kissing Bella full on the lips. She kissed me back, rather enthusiastically, I must add, and tangled her fingers in my hair, caressing my scalp. I shivered, and it wasn't from the weather. I pulled her closer, eliminating any space between us and deepened the kiss.

Bella pulled away first, gasping for air.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while." I grinned. It was true; ever since that day at the reception, I had been day dreaming about kissing Bella's sweet pink lips. My fantasies had done her kissing abilities no justice. I wanted to do it again. And again. Maybe once more.

"I really wish you hadn't."


	10. Egg Is The Word

a/n: This chapter is shamefully small. I guess its my obsession with cliffhangers. Thanks for all the reviews. I don't reply to them because I don't know what to say and so it would become awkward. :p But I appreciate all of them with my heart. Review!

**Chapter ten**

I took a staggered step back – the shock of her words physically kicked me. I was a hundred percent sure my face twisted into a distorted grimace. Like someone egg-farted on my face.

"I'm…err…sorry, I shouldn't have." I apologised whilst awkwardly staring at my feet. My cheeks heated with chagrin and I hoped that the ground would open up and swallow me whole. And I even told her I had been wanting to do it for a while! Straightforwardness is not the way to go. No matter how good looking you are.

"Aww Edward! Not like that! You've got all my snot on your face, you'll get sick!" She croaked out.

So it was the snot? Was that it? As disgusting as it was, I'd already kissed her so, it couldn't get much worse. And anyway, I didn't even notice the snot until she pointed it out. I casually wiped at my nose and felt nothing there. No snot, no problem. God, Bella was such a wuss. I probably shouldn't ever acknowledge that out loud.

"So it's not that you don't like me?" I asked sceptically.

She didn't reply, instead she stepped forward and pressed her lips to mine, softly catching my lower lip between hers. She lingered there for a moment.

"If you get a cold, not my fault, buddy." she whispered against my lips.

I stepped back, smiling. I'd take a cold for Bella any day. And this is when it's safe to say I'm whipped.

"So does that give you your answer?" She teased.

"Yes - yes it does." I grinned.

"You know I have Chinese, enough for two. Care to join me?" Bella offered.

"Yes please." I replied, wanting nothing more than to spend some more time with Bella, you know, because I was whipped and all.

We brought the boxes out into the burgundy living room and got settled down on the soft leather sofa, with background music from the television to soothe the atmosphere. Bella had ordered stir fry noodles, dim sum (whatever that was, I just ate it to be nice) and peanut chicken curry.

Our conversation was light hearted and we were really getting to know the finer things about each other, which would usually be of no importance, but I was keen on knowing _everything. _By the end, I knew that Bella preferred _Colgate_ toothpaste and her favourite colour was green, at which she blushed.

"Why are you blushing?" I asked, curious.

Bella bit her lip, a sign of hesitation, but soon she gave in, "It's the colour of your eyes."

I smiled the brightest smile possible; that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said, not even the "Oh my God! He is so hot!" That Tanya exclaimed when she first saw me couldn't have beaten that.

I leaned in and gave her a kiss that displayed all my emotions; hot and passionate. I tangled my fingers in her hair while she traced all my features with her soft hand. She ended up straddling me and things got pretty intense.

_THUD!_

I froze and Bella jerked up and fell onto the floor. I didn't know what to do – laugh at her bewildered state or check if she was okay.

So I did both.

"Now a day just wouldn't be a day without you falling or tripping would it?" I teased, while giving her a final look to see if all bones were intact.

"Pfft, watch it, you. You're just jealous that the ground is attracted more to me than to you." She slapped my arm in mock annoyance. Why was everyone hitting me? First Jasper, then Alice and now Bella. What was I, a walking punch bag? Yeah that must have been it.

"What was that?" I asked, knowing Bella landing smack on the floor wasn't the only noise.

_THUD!_

Bella cowered into me and I smiled like an idiot every time her body pushed up against mine.

"I don't know, I'm scared Edward!" Bella whispered.

I carefully manoeuvred us towards the source of the sound which was near the door. "Stay here, I'll go and check." I ordered.

"No way, I am not losing you to that _thing _out there!" She yelled, but her voice came out very raspy. She was swaying on her feet; the flu was really getting to her.

"You look like a fungal zombie! You need to rest." I insisted.

"Oh quit being such a pussy. And thanks, that really boosts my confidence." She throttled out in a hoarse voice while pulling me out the front door. I was rather insulted; a wuss? She needs to check out my abs.

I snaked my arm around her waist and towed her to the driveway, "You're beautiful, lady, you just need to relax." Bella rolled her eyes as if I was telling her a joke in pig Latin.

A white _thing_ (as Bella had put it) came flying out of the bush on the opposite side of the street and crashed onto the main window of Bella's house. My eyes flickered to the window to see dozens of…eggs splattered on it.

"At least they weren't bombs." Bella breathed a sigh of relief.

"_Bombs? _You would be dead by now!" I gave her an are-you-fucking-stupid look.

"Doesn't hurt to speculate." She shrugged, and ignored my remark.

Suddenly, the bush started rustling and muffled voices were heard.

My eyes widened.


	11. Ass Grab Mike

a/n: My favourite chapter. So messed up but my favourite. :) I may not be around for the next few days but I'll be back soon.

**Chapter eleven**

When I said muffled _voices, _I take that back.

There was only one voice.

It belonged to Mike Newton.

He ran out of the bush and get this – he was grabbing his _own _ass.

I'd always heard of guys grabbing girls' asses but I didn't think shit would get so bad that they'd have to resort to grabbing their own asses. This was a sad day for the world to see. Okay perhaps not sad since who could pass off the opportunity to see Mike perving on himself.

Bella and I belted out in laughter, so hard that I needed to take a piss. But I'd have to hold it in because Mike was feeling himself up and I could not miss this shit.

"Is he hitting on himself?" I asked out loud.

Bella blinked and launched into another round of laughter.

Mike looked at us, embarrassed and guilty because he got caught red handed. This was Mike – the shit of all shits. He was the _crème de la crème. _Now he was the fail a la fail.

"Oye Mike, Halloween was two months ago, why are you throwing eggs now?" Bella asked with squinted eyes.

"And you know, there's still four months till April fool's." I chimed in.

Mike tried to scratch his butt inconspicuously but failed miserably. I think he got bitten by something in the bush, but what would be lurking around in December? Or maybe it was the leaves out to get him. Mutant Mike biters, of course. Or an STD - no, actually, no girl would ever go that far with scum like Mike.

The laughter really got to me; I was literally holding my stomach, and even Bella was vigorously shaking against my arm. Apparently Mike got a little _too _offended and started to stomp towards me, rolling his sleeves up in a very macho manner. Bring it on, bitch.

Mike's fist was raised in the air but Bella jumped into the space between us and swatted his arm away. I stepped forward and wound my arm around her waist. Mike would die if he touched Bella. Dickwad better keep his grimy hands away from us or I was going to bust a cap in his ass.

"If you touch my boyfriend or me, Mr. Potato head dies." Bella snarled, her croaky voice making it all the more menacing.

Boyfriend? I liked the sound of that; I could just picture us walking hand in hand, blissfully in love. Eating ice-cream on the beach. Now I'm sounding gay again. I smirked at Mike. Take that, asshole. You're not sharing any ice cream with us. HAH.

Mike's expression turned from anger into one of horror and his eyes flitted onto a window opposite us. He let his eyes rest there, as if he was contemplating something.

"Who's Mr. Potato head?" I asked, curious, but still threatening to spill out in laughter.

Mike pounced at me, coming out of nowhere. I guess this Mr. Potato head didn't mean that much to him. I pushed Bella to the side and faced this bitch head on. He came barrelling towards me but I packed a punch into his gut which caused him to fly back in response.

Once again, Bella beat me to the next round; for someone so clumsy, she could be pretty fast. Her leg flicked into the space when Mike was flying backwards and went straight to where the sun shines. Except now, it doesn't really shine for Lil' Mikey.

"Yeoooowwww!" Mike moaned in pain, and writhed on the floor like the nasty snake he was. Bella must have really put in effort to dislocate his balls. I think I might have heard them click. Or maybe it was wishful thinking...

"You couldn't have done a better job, Bella honey." I complimented.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Mike roared and limp-ran towards the house opposite Bella's.

"Mr. Potato head is a toy which has a potato for a head. He is Mike's eternal soul mate and he lives on that windowsill. I have been watching him play with him since forever. Just yesterday he was chaperoning a date between Mr. And Mrs. Potato head." Bella pointed to the window Mike's eyes flickered to earlier. Bella seemed unaffected by his psychologically disturbing exit, and activities.

"That is…_messed _up." I breathed.

"I know, and I have to _live _across from that freak of nature." Bella shook her head in annoyance.

I gave her a hug and kissed her forehead to show that I was here for her, in times of sadness, happiness, and Mikeness.

"So _girlfriend_ what do you want to do?" I asked casually.

"Sorry it slipped out and I was so caught up in the whole-" I cut her off by placing a finger to her lips.

"_Would _you like to be my girlfriend?" I asked, hopeful.

She looked into my eyes, her brown orbs penetrating into mine. I looked back into hers, deeper than anything and found only her beautiful soul.

She seemed to like something she saw within the plain, hypocritical douchey me.

"I'd like nothing better." She whispered and gave me a smile that would have put the stars to shame. _Oh Cullen could you get any more corny? Is there no limit to your gayness? _

I kissed her with everything I had. We tasted each other with enthusiasm and the whole moment was so nice that I didn't want it to ever end.

Of course, Bella has shitty lung capacity and we had to pull apart for her to pant like dog. Not that I would ever tell her that because she's lovely and she's my girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

Oh yeah, bitch.

My _girlfriend. _


	12. Balls & Bullets

a/n: Oh my days. Sorry about the wait. I know I said days, but all my pre-written chapter mysteriously vanished. So I wallowed about for a few days before actually getting them written again. Apologies for this bleh chapter, I know it is not as awesome as usual. Reviews, please? :)

**Chapter twelve**

The next morning, I woke up much earlier than usual. I don't know why, but perhaps it had to do with that fact that I was officially taken by a girl who I not only liked, but had more personality than a microwave too. It was great.

I went downstairs, hoping to get some early morning breakfast like the lovesick fool I was. But no, fucking Alice was already at the breakfast island, all smiles and knowing looks. God, she annoyed me so much. How the hell did we even end up sharing the same parents? She was a fucking loony. I was ashamed to be associated with that foolishness.

My sister was sitting in Donald Duck pyjamas and pushed an empty bowl and a carton of milk my way. So annoying, but so helpful. I twisted my lips into a smile, because I was happy like a high cat because of Bella. _Admit it Cullen, you're whipped. _

"So, Edward. Didn't hear you get in last night." Alice started. She was not sly at all. Even a llama would be slyer than this thing sitting in front of me.

"Hmmn, yeah, I was out with my girlfriend. You know how it is." I shot back and oh my God, the amount of glee that rushed through my body genuinely made me question my gender. No man squeals...except for me. Shit.

Alice's eyebrows shot up, and she leaned forward thinking she'd get the scoop.

Okay, fine, she was going to get the scoop. It was Alice we were talking about. Crazy lady could get anything out of anyone.

"While you were out to the dance, I um, kind of went over to Bella's. And y'know, after spending some time together, we've decided to exclusively date." I explained, trying to keep it totally casual apart from the shit-eating grin on my face.

"Oh my God! Edward, I'm so happy for you! This is great news. We totally need to get a double date...no actually, a _triple _date-" She rambled on.

"Okay, Alice. Okay, just please shut up." I cut her off.

She shrugged, seemingly unnerved, "You know what? I totally forgot to tell you about last night. I saw something I never want to see ever again."

My eyes bulged. Did she see Jasper's junk? Holy shit, if she's going to tell me how his package made her swing the other way, fuck, I would like to die about now.

"Lauren was wearing _Vivian Westwood _and had a fake tan! What the fuck? She insulted art with that tangoed skin colour. She put shame on that creation! Who the fuck does she think she is?"

At that point, Esmé and Carlisle entered the kitchen, groggy and tousle-haired in their night gowns. We received a mini lecture on shouting loudly when others were speaking and reprimanded for our foul mouths. Alice and I shared a mutual look. They were only complaining that we interrupted their nightly activities. Ugh, shit. I did not want to think about my parents _getting it on._

My eyes bulged too, holy shit! "Wait, Lauren was wearing a _woman _to prom? Like a real life lady?"

Alice rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "You are such a disappointment, Edward. You make me cringe with your lack of fashion know how. _Vivian Westwood _is a designer. Lauren was wearing a dress designed by her, you toolbag."

Oh. Well I guess that wasn't as scandalous as I thought it was. Wait...why did I even care?

Today, Bella and I decided to make it official to our families. It was cute of her. Everything was cute about her. God, I sound like I've been dating her for years and not a fucking day. I remember meeting Tanya's mom once. She was wearing a bikini, tanned to her epidermal cells and eyeing me up like a piece of meat. I was o-ffen-ded. Looking back in hindsight, I realised what a pedo that woman was. Or cougar. Or cradle snatcher. Whatever.

I decided to take a shower to make a good impression and all that shit. Alice skipped into my room, whooshed through my closet like the fucking hurricane Katrina and pulled out some jeans and a nice shirt.

"Good luck, Edward. You'll need it." She patted my arm.

I waved her off, "Nah. The Swans will be eating out of my hand." They bloody better be. Alice snorted. I took that as a bad sign.

Before getting out of my car, I looked at myself in the rear view mirror. Shit, my hair was being gay again. The parting just wouldn't sit. I didn't want it smack bang in middle like middle aged sex offenders, but I didn't want to pull a fucking Justin Bieber with the comb over thing. I whipped out my travel comb (holy fucking lettuce, I didn't even know why I had one in the first place) and took my hairline slightly to the side. Ah, much better. I could breathe a sigh of relief. And officially change my sex to female.

I tapped the large blue door twice with my knuckles. I heard footsteps pretty much ambling towards the door. It sounded like the person was really taking their sweet time. Probably Bella's dad. I hate policemen.

A tall, well built man opened the door and my balls actually cowered into my groin area. He appraised my stature and actually, like legit, raised an eyebrow at me as if to say, _you ain't got nothin' on me, bitch. _

"Hello Chief Swan, I'm Edward Cullen." I smiled lopsidedly (because Bella hinted it was my sexiest look to date and its always a good idea to listen to the missus.) Chief Swan grabbed my hand and fucking pureed my bones into a smoothie type concoction. By the time he let go, the feeling had left my hand. Great. Fucking peachy.

Behind him, popped up a middle-aged woman with short flicks of dark blonde hair and big eyes. She grinned widely and nearly cancelled out Chief Swan's broody father stare that he had going on.

"Hiya Edward! I'm Reneé." She grasped my hand and then pulled me in for a light hug. Aw, at least someone around here was nice. I was tempted to throw Alpha Swan a smirk but I kind of liked the idea of having my balls intact.

I didn't see Bella anywhere, but I was lead into the familiar cream coloured living room and offered a seat on the burgundy sofa where Bella and I had made out like crazy fools. Awkward.

Chief Swan continued with the brood thing he had working for him and looked at me hard, with cold eyes. I felt like I was being interrogated by the fucking FBI.

"So, Edward. What are your plans for the future?"

Okay. Yeah, just launch straight into that shit. That's cool.

"I would like to follow in my father's footsteps and become a doctor, sir." I smiled like I was advertising for Colgate. Buttered his ass up beautifully. Eat it, Chief. EAT IT.

He tried not to look impressed but my shit is epic. "What is your father's name?"

"Carlisle Cullen. My mom is Esmé Cullen." I added helpfully, because I was nice and all that.

Reneé leaned forward with unbridled excitement, "The interior designer?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Wow. She designed our house and she is very good at what she does. Send her my regards." She complimented. I could actually like this woman.

I nodded like the whipped bitch I was.

Chief grunted lightly and Reneé squeezed his arm softly. Did that mean I was okay? Would I leave with my dignity intact? Was there hope for me?

Bella charged down the stairs, her hair flying everywhere as she scrunched her face in displeasure at her parents. It just looked like she ate a lemon. She threw me a dazzling smile and turned on Them. (I saw it as an Us vs. Them sort of showdown.)

"Mom, Dad. Is your freaking Spanish Inquisition done? God, I am going to end up single quite soon thanks to you people..." She muttered at the end.

I wanted to laugh at my girlfriend. So crazy. So lovely. But the Swan parental actually had the gall to look unashamed and simply shrugged. Jesus.

Bella came over and intertwined our fingers forcefully, as if to make a point. I think I may have blushed like a pussy under the Chief's manly stare, and tried to loosen his daughter's grip on my hand. But no, Bella was like a fucking clamping vice. Like the ones they use in the chemistry labs when securing the distillation apparatus. _You fucking geek, Cullen. Is that the best simile you could come up with? _I gave up and shrugged. We got up and were ready to leave for my house when Chief cleared his throat loudly. Reneé randomly giggled.

"Take care of my daughter. If you do anything to put her in distress, I can and will have a bullet shot through your balls. Oh and, it's Charlie by the way." He said cheerfully.

I'm guessing that was his approval, although my testicles may have just died with fear.

Whilst leading Bella to my car, she tiptoed and placed a chaste kiss on my lips and mumbled "Ignore them." Oh yeah, easy for you to say Bella, you're livelihood wasn't threatened by a man who legally owned a fucking gun! But her lips tingled against mine and all my horror at potentially losing my manhood temporarily faded because I was smart enough to risk it for her kisses. _Oh you fucking pussy! Go ahead and write a romance novel while you're at it. Bitch. _

I made the utmost important introductions. "Bella, this is Volvo. Volvo, this is Bella."

Bella's jaw dropped.

To the floor.

Legit, man.


	13. Jasper, Spandex & An Ice Rink

a/n: Omg. I am so sorry I haven't updated in eons. Just busy with the boyf and all that shebang. I promise to try harder to get stuff to you quicker. Rants, forgiveness, criticism, praise?, hate all welcome in reviews. Apologies for this uncool chapter. :)

**Chapter thirteen **

Bella just stared at me. Her eyes said that she thought I had lost my mind. That was sort of true; ever since I'd met Bella, my brain was just a little fucked. She raised an eyebrow at me, as if to say _what the fuck are you on, Cullen? _

"What's her name?" Bella asked, with less emotion than a brick.

"It's Olivia." I petted the bonnet, then cringing at my camp behaviour. Olivia was a babe. She did everything I wanted her to do. She never complained and I certainly enjoyed placing my well shaped ass on her. Great. Now I'm fantasizing about my car. It can't get any worse than this.

"Is this your ex?" Bella asked, sounding bored.

"Yes, she is. She's amazing." I smiled proudly and remembered the occasion when Esmé patted my shoulder with beaming eyes when I tried to make a cake for her. It was burnt and had cough syrup in it.

"What? You're going to compare me with a car?" Bella burst out, disbelieving. Well at least she was showing some emotion.

"And Tanya." I added not-so-helpfully. Bella's face twisted into fury. God, she looked hideous. In the nicest way possible, of course. "But there's no comparison!" I rushed out.

"A slut and an automobile." She ground out.

This was clearly not helping. Or working. I should probably buy a padlock for my fucking huge mouth.

"Tanya's got less personality than strawberry jelly and Olivia has got nothing you, babe." I didn't wait for the next dumb reply I was going to get and kissed Bella firmly on the lips. She softened under my touch, but I felt there was still annoyance present. But damn, the ladies couldn't resist the Cullen charm. _Oh really, Cullen? Go and sign up for Jersey Shore while you're at it. _

"What happened with you and Tanya anyway?" Bella pulled back and asked me with her cute little lips.

"She's fucking insane, I tell you. She bitched about Alice to my face! Crazy woman." I exclaimed. Too right, Tanya was a batshit whacko.

"Why did you go out with her then?"

I thought about it. And I had no reason. Not even a crap one. Wow. "I have...no idea. I guess...people just expected us to be together so I went along with it. Probably the most stupid thing I've ever done."

Bella just nodded and kissed my jaw quickly, "We all do silly things. And besides, it's in the past."

And my future would be with Bella. _Fucking hell Cullen. You are so girly, you might as well wear a bra and grow your hair out. _

The introductions at the Cullen house were brief, since Bella practically lived here. And I had _no _problem with that. Yes, I admit openly I was excited in all places at the prospect of Bella sleeping over at my house. Carlisle and Esmé grinned and winked so fucking inappropriately it was borderline obscene. They nudged each other like pre-teens with a picture of Justin Bieber and giggled in a downright annoying fashion.

And Alice was fucking ten years ahead in time. Fucking looney.

"Oh my God! Bella, I can totally imagine you in a satin white wedding dress- and a long trail and beaded veil, yes! And Edward you'll be in a tux, of course..." The shitbag jabbered about.

By the end of it all, Bella was a fucking strawberry.

"Hey, Bella. I'll go call Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie. Do you want to come with me?" I said loudly. And that was enough, Alice was squealing like a hyena up the stairs to get ready for her boyfriend. She sickened me.

"Yes, let's go Edward!" Bella practically spat in my face and dragged me towards the phone. So touchy about marriage...

Ten minutes later, Rosalie and Jasper turned up at the doorstep, blonde and smiling like evil children. There was something so sinister lurking under their faces that it made me shudder. I fucking shuddered at the fools. So much evil at one time. In fact, they looked like something out of _High School Musical. _Why did I even know that?_ Be ashamed of yourself. This is what you have come to. _

"ICE SKATING, BITCHES." A roar came from the door that was so unabashedly swung open and bashed against the wall. Sometimes I wondered why I was even friends with a dumbass like Emmett.

He swaggered in as if there was a stick up his ass and cornered Rosalie. They made out for way too long, and there were very inappropriate sounds coming from the two. I cringed for both Bella and I. Our innocence was officially lost thanks to our two horny umm, friends. After playing tonsil hockey, Emmett came over to us casually with swollen lips as if it was just the normal thing to do.

"Right, my minions. We're off to the ice-rink. Let's go!" Emmett pushed both Bella and I, the way he tossed his dog Everett to the side when he licked his face while he was playing Call of Duty.

"Oh _hell _no!" Bella exclaimed, sounding strangely ghetto-like.

"Oye. Fat ass, get moving." Emmett ignored our struggles and fucking whooped us towards the door. So much respect for the lady.

Esmé and Carlisle were giggling like little pissies in the kitchen.

Bella pointedly looked at _his _ass, big fucking huge and meaty. Not that I looked...it was just _there._

"Checking this baby out? It's so plump and _round._" Emmett beamed like the Cheshire cat whilst giving his butt a squeeze.

I was scarred for life.

Emmett turned to Bella, "It's better than Eddie's skinny, nonexistent booty, you know."

I felt my face flush red with anger. God, he was such a wanker. My backside was fucking fine and did not need any more meat! I shot him a glare but the dickface simply smirked.

Then, Emmett did the worst thing. Ever.

He slapped my butt.

Holy fucking shit. A boy just tapped my ass. I feel violated. And raped. Oh my God.

Bella screamed with laughter as tears were threatening to spill from my eyes. I could not cry. This was not happening. This was a sick dream. Oh the mother of God. Why must this happen to me?

"Emmett, fuck off before I go apeshit on you." I breathed out, trying really hard not to burst into tears and sock his face.

But that didn't faze Emmett; he just pushed us out of the door. Asshole.

Of course, Bella just had to have a rendezvous with the ground like the disabled woman she was, and pulled me down with her so I was squashing her under my weight.

"I know you like me, but jumping me in public? _Bella!_" I chided. Hah, payback's a bitch.

Bella just froze, her mouth shaped in an O and she just _looked. _I'm sure she was turned on. It's my face, honest.

"Woman! Get out of under there and let's go! Jesus, some of the shit I have to witness..." Emmett shook his head. Erm, I'm sorry but didn't he just dry hump his girlfriend in the corner of my living room? Fucking crazy.

I pulled Bella up and flattened her hair for her. In a totally non-gay way though. Kissing her quickly, I flipped Emmett the bird and walked on slowly.

My girlfriend swaggered towards Emmett and smiled brightly. Oh, and then kicked him in the shins. She was awesome.

"Owned, bitch." I sniggered and joined the others on our trip to the…ice rink.

Our trip was horrible. It was awful. There were no words to describe the crappiness of our skating day. None at all.

Emmett got us onto a deserted rink with pretty much just two other people. One was a Jew and Emmett's fucking huge mouth had to note this out loud. Apparently his yarmulke was totally 'out of date' and that he needed to 'update that shit'. Naturally, the poor guy took offense and started ranting about anti-Semitism and used words Emmett had never even heard of, let alone understood. Jasper and I had to literally pull the dumbfuck away from the Jewish guy. We nodded sombrely to indicate our friend was, in fact, fucking insane.

Bella fell six hundred thousand, eight hundred and nineteen times and most likely bruised every inch of her tiny body. Each time I tried to catch her but she would flail her arms which wasn't doing anything for her balance and almost deliberately fell down, just out of my hand's reach.

Rosalie skated into practically every fucking wall. Once she caught sight of herself skating in the large reflective mirrors around us, Rose's attention would be diverted and she'd ram into the edge of the rink or fall flat on her ass, her face still glued to the mirrors (probably to make sure she was falling 'gracefully').

Alice and Jasper just skated like those freaks on _Dancing with the Stars _and Alice had the gall to clothe Jasper in tight spandex leggings and a baggy white shirt like those gay Italian men. His legs made me shudder violently. It was like a horror film. She even matched her dress/leotard thing with his! And what was more alarming, was that they were actually good! Did they have secret lessons or something? God, why was I related to such insanity? Why wasn't my sister _normal _for fuck's sake? How sad.

But I guess, even though the whole day was jackshit, I was with Bella and morons I like to call friends. And just watching them being stupid, was fun. So everything turned out okay, I suppose.

Even though the day sucked balls.


	14. Edward's Mangina

a/n: omg hiiii guys. i can't believe i forgot about this gem of a story! life got in the way of writing the fic but i'm on holiday so i anticipate updating regularly. leave a review to bitch at me for the wait! :)

Since the fateful day at the winter dance, Bella and I have been inseparable. Like those Siamese cats but you know, we don't watch each other poop or anything…that would be weird.

Alice yelling like a banshee upon the discovery of our relationship often resonates in my ears. She's like that irritating sound – tinnitus – that you find yourself with after subjecting yourself to a rock concert.

Dating Bella changed a few things at school. Tanya, Lauren and Jessica (i.e the metaphorical herpes of my life) decided to leave me alone (I like to say I fed them the antibiotic that is Bella thus the removal of their ickiness from my life). Okay, there are way too many metaphors involved so I'll shut the fuck up now. Regardless, they've gone their own ways and I even heard that Jessica is dating Mike. Mike! Does she not know about the baggage that comes with that sack of shit? (Mr. Potato head obviously.) Or perhaps she's desperate.

During the first week of our relationship, Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett, Bella and I disbanded from the bandwagon of popularity and made a pointed note not to associate with Army of (Man) Sluts ever again. Naturally, people just want to start shit because they obviously have zero activity in their own life. Dumb freshmen would be bitchin' how I was dating a loser and wasting my social credentials on someone like Bella. Um, hello. YOU ARE FIFTEEN. YOUR ASS IS NOT COOL. Shut the fuck up. You are irrelevant and unneeded. (I feel liberated after I slyly trip aforementioned freshmen in the corridor or randomly grab one of them by the collar and hurtle them at a sideline locker.)

Of course, my sweet Bella is anything but a loser. She's funny, and weird and when she's mad she reminds of a brick and that makes me laugh so she's funny again. Notwithstanding is her beautiful face. Or the feel of her soft locks of hair in my hand, or how she smells of freesias and honey. And that thing she does with her tongue…okay never mind, you get the point. Also I sound creepy going on about her at length so, y'know, I'll stop.

Graduation is also fast approaching. I can't believe I'm going to be leaving this shit-hole. I remember being a constant bitch about everything and everyone and I can't believe I'm already about to leave with five other assholes who are just as amazing as me. (I know Alice is my sister and Bella is my girlfriend but I'm not prepared to say I only made three friends in four years because that's pathetic okay.)

Bella and I have discussed the future without being too intense. College is inarguably where we want to head but the locations are what leave us a bit awkward. But you know I'm so laid back on the application front I'll probably end up at L.A community college. Actually no, that can't happen or else Carlisle will bust a cap in my ass. And ship me to Zanzibar. The dude has some serious Asian tendencies going on.

Each time I talk to my sweet-pea (oh my god I can't believe I just called her that – not only am I now of the female variety but I have aged by eight decades as well.), I am even more infatuated with her. We can talk for hours on end, from restoring peace in the Middle East to cabbages because let's face it, who the fuck likes cabbage? We make each other laugh and occasionally, we can both tell what the other is thinking and it's really kind of cute. Oh dear lord. There is no hope for my mangina now.

Lately I've been feeling sad, or empty when Bella and I don't talk to each other for a couple days. When she's upset, so am I. The same for euphoria. I've never felt this way about anyone – and definitely not Tanya. (With her it was a constant _get out of my face, hoe._)

I Googled my symptoms – don't judge me, my dad is a doctor and everything you can feel is a symptom of some illness. Dr. Google directed me to some Tumblr blog (internet's version of Narnia) that was owned by an over emotional fifteen year old girl and according to her posts, I was in love.

Love.

I believed you didn't need to be a certain age to fall in love with someone and realise that was the person you wanted to be with – life was too short for that and besides, that Tumblr blog said a lot about the teenage generation. A living example would be my parents, Carlisle and Esme – twenty years down the line and they still act like a newly wedded couple. All cringey with the PDA and giggling at each other. But who was I kidding? I had a mangina which demanded that I have a cute, meaningful and long lasting relationship, and preferably with Bella.

But did Bella believe in love? Even if she didn't, and we parted ways, she had to know about the intensity of my feelings. About how creepy I was when I thought about her. And how in my head, her face was always surrounded by little red floating hearts and pink clouds. Okay no, that's a lie. Even I have my limits, jeebus.

_RING!_

The bell rang signalling the end of the school day.

I leant against the wall waiting for Bella to leave her Calculus class. I had Spanish down the corridor and Madam Stokes was the most unenthusiastic teacher, ever. So we left class early, always.

She walked out and her face lit up as she saw me. I couldn't believe it was _me _who brought that happiness to her face.

I took her into my arms, and gathered her with feather soft hands. She meant the world to me and I bent down kissing her sweetly to let her know. Bella replied to a little too enthusiastically because let's face it, she's a horn dog. Or I am on par with my kissing skills.

I chuckled, "Not here, baby." She pouted so I kissed it away.

"Happy?" I asked as I grabbed her hand, smiling languidly.

"Nope. We'll attend to our unfinished business later." She snickered. "So how was your day?"

"Boring, I missed you, what about you?" I replied.

"I missed you too; want to come over to mines?" Bella offered.

"Not today, I have errands to run." I lied. I had never turned down an offer like that, especially when it involved kissing and…making out and over the undergarments groping. But right now I had to figure things out.

"Oh okay, I'll see you tomorrow." she kissed me goodbye and made a hasty exit.

It had been two weeks since I had an epiphany that I loved Bella, but I still had no signs of courage to tell her. I really am a pussy. Actually. Nope, I was a pussy.

We were all sitting at the lunch table with Alice babbling on about the weekend while Rose and Bella listened on intently. Emmett and Jasper were arguing about trees.

"That's an evergreen!" Emmett shouted.

"Coniferous." Jasper snapped back.

"Christmas trees are not called _coniferous__. _Is that even a word? Or from the English language? If it is, it's an insult." Emmett made a disgusted face. Why there was a heated discussion on trees, I shall never know.

"Seriously, shut the fuck up you two. It's a tree for Christ sakes!" Bella exploded before turning deep red and marching out of the cafeteria, her bag in tow.

I was shocked; Bella never swore, only the occasional ass, or shit but never such _strong _profanities. Should I have gone after her? I didn't want to face her in her anger and then regret saying anything.

"Did she just cuss at a tree?" Emmett asked incredulously.

"PMS?" Jasper asked, before whipping his head to Alice with much interest, "Can PMS cause this?" Alice was not impressed.

I sat on my bed, cussing at myself. I was genuinely the most retarded individual known to man. I was moping about in my Spongebob pyjamas trying to be all grandiose about my expression of love and betrothal for my sweet Bella. Clearly that shit was not going to happen anytime soon.

My drowning in self pity was halted by my gnome-sized sister barging in like she was going to challenge me to a duel in WWE wrestling.

"Hi Alice." I grumbled, ignoring her flared face.

"Why are you avoiding her?" Alice demanded. Straight to the point, as always. God, I am not subtle either. Why couldn't she be like _oh my sweet brother, how are you? Share your woes with me and I shall patiently offer my expert advice to you. _Why couldn't we talk about my feelings?

Of course, my brain to mouth connection is a bit shit and so, my lovely little soliloquy went down the drain when this rubbish escaped my mouth:

"I'm in love." I garbled out.

Alice froze, teeth gritted, eyes narrowed, balled fists.

"What?" she spat out.

What do you mean what? Imbecile.


End file.
